//* Journal Entries *//
February 13th 2020
One of my closest friends online suddenly became too much of a Nazi (and I say it like that because she already idolized Nazi figureheads and aesthetic) to want to hang around with me. Because I'm a faggot. She left our friend group because half of us are gay or trans or non-white. She only kept in contact with the OTHER one who left to become a Nazi, and her boyfriend who dms me talking about how much she scares him. Because he's transgender. And she's a Nazi. Not only am I angry and confused and disgusted, but I'm sad as FUCK. You just decided that because a Nazi was hot that they're right about everything, and I'm not good enough for you? You suddenly hate me for something I can't control? What the fuck. I shouldn't care about you anymore Alex, but I fucking do, and that's the part that SUCKS. I care. I'm so fucking sad you decided to become homophobic and racist and that you hate us. Truly, I bet your family is proud of you. Bunch of abusive money launderers who care more about their drug production business than their own daughter, and a brother who kills dogs and beats you up for fun. You're finally the thing they wanted to make you into, so I hope you feel proud of yourself.
January 28th 2020
I saw family today. Went outside, spoke to people, ran into an old high school teacher even. It's ... okay. I felt a little more relaxed. I want to go do graffiti tonight, so hopefully I can go for a walk alone. My friend might come. I feel okay. Still thinking about murder a lot.
January 22nd 2020
I really just think I’m destined to fuck up. Those people exist you know? I want to hurt people and then die. And I don’t really know how to fix that.
For the last few weeks, I've gone out every night around 9 p.m. to go in the hot tub and smoke weed. I'll sit out there looking at the stars and listening to music for an hour. And then I smoke for 20 minutes, and go back inside. Spend the rest of the night playing COD or watching things. I just ... can't be bothered to do anything. All I want recently is to be high, to experience my surroundings ... I have schoolwork to do. I have things to pay for. I need a job. And yet I'm not doing any of that.
I'm having really intense derealization. I just can't fathom that any of this is real, that this is what life is. This? This is what a video game should feel like. I don't know how I feel about life, if this is what it is. I'm supposed to accept that I'm a natural creature, grow up, start doing things for society so that they let me have food and shit, and then I die. That's everything? Why the fuck did we ruin it, when we were just animals? Why can't I be a monkey again? Why do I have to live like ... this? Like it's fake? It just feels so heavily, incredibly goddamn fake. And I don't think I'll shake that thought, ever, for the rest of my life. Maybe that's mental hospital worthy. I don't know.
December 29th 2019
they still haven't called to start my therapy. this is the longest i've gone without therapy in six years and its the worst period of my life. the healthcare industry is so fucked up. if i ever hurt anyone, or kill myself, please tell doctors to value mentally ill patients so much fucking more. stop putting homicidal and suicidal kids on waitlists.
November 4th 2019
It's been a long time since I've updated here. But I'm living with my parents again, now, because I was getting dangerous for other people. I wanted to kill them too much. Now I'm being watched every day to make sure that I'm safe ... and I'm starting group therapy and DBT soon. It'll be weird. I feel like I've evolved so much as a person, not necessarily in a good direction, and talking to a whole new person about myself and what's in my head seems odd. At least I know now that it's borderline personality disorder. It makes it all a bit easier for myself to understand. It all still hurts, though.
September 29th 2019
It's getting worse. I bought a video camera so I can record things that make me feel less real. I'm considering talking into the camera about life theories, my delusions, my problems or whatever, and uploading them to youtube. My audience there is negligible and most of the views come from my tumblr, but it's something I think might help. I don't care if nobody sees it.
I really have been thinking about him a lot... all the time... I used to shut myself in my room, whenever I thought of him, and just cry and shake in bed. Now it isn't like that .... I think i've only cried once this month. Now, my reaction is to go home and smoke all my weed, and play SOTC until I'm too sleepy to stay awake. If I can't sleep, I go for a walk and lay on the bleachers at the park and stargaze. And smoke more. If he knew me in person, he'd probably think it's gross. I hate that I like smoking, but it's just becausev I'm sad.....if he was in my life personally I wouldn't need it anyway. I'd ndever let him see those parts of me .... I'd dress like him every day. I'd learn how to cook better so I never have to eat fast food again. I'd actually face my fears and go workout. I'd ask him to hang out all the time.... until he falls in love with me. I want to hold him in my arms, lay down with him. Hold him so tight against me. I want to hear his breathing, feel his chest rising and falling....I want to study his face while his eyes are closed....touch his facial hair, his eyelashes, his lips. I want to feel his hair, run my hand through it. I want to feel his hands holding me, pressing into me, like he wants me there, he doesn't want me to go. I want to feel his skin, his REAL BODY. lkike hes a real person. I want to know what his lips feel like.. I've always loved his lips so fucking much. I can imagine how beautiful he looks when he's calm, cuddling, sleepy... what I'd give to be with him in a moment like that. I'd gladly trade the rest of my life for just 5 minutes of that with him. I'd give my soul to the devil. i cant describe accurately how fucking bad i want this. just know that now im maladaptive daydreaming, of this exact scenario, and i'm about to cry. i just said i havent cried all fuycking month and now here i am. tgehre's a reason i don't write about him ebvery time. because don't fucking doubt it; i think about him every second of every fucking day. i love him more than he's ever been loved by anyone else.
September 24th 2019
reality doesn't even feel real anymore. i dont know that anyone exists unless i've seen them in person. even when i have, how do i know that im truly seeing them? what if i just invented them with my senses? how do i trust my body to really tell me what is on the Outside, when all i truly know is whats inside? in my head and my body and on this side of my skin?
September 15th 2019
im hiding in this world. i feel like i never stopped cowering from underneath my bedsheets at 10 years old.
September 14th 2019
it's just so hard. fighting this is exhausting. ... i shouldnt feel this kind of way.
September 8th 2019
i don't know why it happened, but i had a seizure. it was after taking a bong rip. first i just felt really nauseous and knew my heart rate was too fast and started sweating a lot. ive never greened out but im assuming thats what greening out feels like. basically, i've felt it before, and its the same feeling ive gotten in the past after bong/hookah rips, and ive always just assumed its my blood pressure taking a massive dip (or my heart condition flaring up badly). i got some fresh air but it didnt help. went back inside and sat on my bed, started losing muscle control and convulsing. then the seizure happened, for maybe 20 seconds. ive already had scary near-death experiences, in which my heart stopped, but this was almost scarier. before it happened, i totally accepted death. i stared at myself in my mirror and noted every little detail of my face. loved myself. i let myself play video games (what i could manage through tremors) and wanted to lay down and enjoy my "last moments". the calm scared me. if you're "near death" and scared, you aren't going to die. its when you accept it and are totally calm that you're really in danger. maybe i did die, and what im experiencing now is just another path. alternate realities or whatever. a "respawn" in this video game.
August 31st 2019
I love you so much. I hope you have a good day at PAX. I wish I could hug you. I love you.
August 24th 2019
I want to go on long night-walks again. At school, I liked to go out when it was too dark to see, and smoke weed as I walked. I'd light some small things on fire (like plants/gardens). I liked to look in people's windows if they had their lights on still. It was always long walks though, because I had to get far away from the town center in order for it to be dark enough on the street. Sometimes, I'd just get on a bus to the other side of town, and then wander around for an hour until the returning bus came. I liked being a cryptid like that. Sometimes I wanted to buy energy drinks, but I never let myself because it could kill me so easily, what with my heart being so fragile. I have an easy way out if I'm ever considering suicide again, though.
One night, the night I bought shrooms last year, I missed my bus back to campus and had to wait until around 1 AM to get back to my place. It felt surreal, at an empty city bus stop, no streetlights nearby, no sounds. Just crickets and my music through earbuds. I almost just walked off and never returned. I get the impulse to do that a fuckton. A cop car passed me at one point, and I just had a baggie of shrooms in my hand, and I kinda laughed. Even if they'd stopped to ask me questions, I doubt they would have cared. I'm invisible.
August 17th 2019
life feels like a video game recently. i walk and the sounds my steps make sound like the fake ones in horror games. and when im at work and the lights are off and im the only one out front, just pushing all of the lawnmowers outside, the whole building looks like someone placed down every pixel one by one and gave it personalized character and feel and shading. and you know? maybe that's what life really is. a video game. other people don't seem real, they seem like theyre npcs, just loading up pre-thoughtout things to say to me and waiting for my response to load another pre-programmed sentence. no thinking. no wondering. even when they do say important or interesting things, it feels like i'm creating what they're saying, in a way. like i built this game and all the characters, and then put myself inside of the main character.
August 9th 2019
i love you.
August 6th 2019
i have this fantasy world in my head where you and i have an old cottage/shack by a river. its raining. we're somewhere remote in iceland or ireland, and we don't know anybody, and we hunt our own food and purify our own water. all of that stuff. i just want me and you, and that's it, i would never need anybody else ever again. i wish i could have this, more than anything in the world.
August 2nd 2019
i literally cannot stand talking to people. its the EXACT. SAME. FIVE. QUESTIONS. OVER AND OVER. "where are you going to school again?" "what are you taking?" "where are you living next year?" "do you like school?" "hows work?" "you like working?" FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!! I DONT WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU!!!!! I DONT GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!
i swear. soon im just going to start saying "i dont want to answer questions" or "i dont want to be part of the conversation". but if i do that, people will all tell me im being rude. fuck. it isnt rude. im trying to stay fucking SANE. if the same fucking conversations keep happening 10 times a day im going to lose my mind VERY soon. if i havent already.
June 28th 2019
i love you so much i might be insane.
i recently got into some anime. mostly games, like doki doki literature club; they're over the top and i know there's some genuinely nice stuff out there i'm gonna give a try when i have the time. but thats not the point. it has familiarized me with some terms that keep bouncing around my head for some reason ... like yandere, tsundere, tsungire, etc. obviously im not female and i'm not interested in females. but i feel like one of those applies to me... and i don't know which. i think i was a male tsundere a few years ago and now i am a male yandere (of the kanchigai-gata or shuuchaku-gata type, not the 'im gonna kill everyone you smile at' type) trying so so hard not to be. i don't want these thoughts, i don't want to even fucking love you because it's pointless and i don't thinmk you'll ever love me. but i cant stop thinking aboutg you. i want you here. i want you in my arms. i want to fall asleep holding you. i want to kiss your forehead and touch your hair, and play with it, and i want you to love it. i want you to love me.i want you to look into my eyes like you look into hers. i want you to think of me every second of every day, and i want you to wonder how i am and what im doing, and text me sweet thingsf, and i want you to help every bad thing go away. im crying. im cryginvim crying. i need you so badly. i want to be in the sun with you and have happy days with you and lay in bed in the daylight all day with you. please. pleasepleqsepleasepleqsepleasepleqsepleqsepleasepleasepleqwspleasepleqsepleasepleaspleasepleqasepleaqse
June 22nd 2019
i think everyone is always missing the point.
it doesnt matter. whatever im happy about, whatever im anxious about, whatever im doing or where im going. everything doesnt need a point. but even after realizing that, im sitting here in tears. just looking at whats before me, wishing i could write something profound, that i was a philosopher for whom words and feelings came easy. i don't make sense of anything i feel, but i feel it so heavily. the point of life is feeling, i've always thought that ... but why does it hurt? if i can accept that this is what life is, and what life is always going to be, and that everything else is petty or unworthy, why do i do it so poorly? whjy do i despise my reason for living? why do i force myself day and night to feel bad, to feel so so goddamn lonely and doomed and unloved, and then decide that life is doing this to me?
i wish i could make all my thoughts into a pokemon 8bit-style game where the player navigates my head and comes to a conclusion about me themselves, because i dont think i can do it.
ps: if you want to talk to me (on tumblr probably), send me a really good, slow lo-fi song.
June 9th 2019
It’s just... I only care about the things that are real. And nothing at university feels real. I don’t care about the money I’ll make, I don’t care about language or math or other things humans created. It’s why I went into biology but even then, it feels fake. I don’t care about the chemistry of the universe or even what our bodies are made of and how they work, I care about nature and being a part of it. I care about conservation of the planet. Planets are so cool! Why the fuck can’t I just examine the planet forever! Earth and the things Earth created and the things those things feel are the only things I find important. I just want that forever. If I could, I would get on that one way trip to Mars. Otherwise, I’ll just go somewhere completely remote, cut down trees myself, build a house, get my own clean water, hunt all my own food, etc without ever having to do jobs I don’t care about and interact with living things whose priorities are different than mine. But those people are 'crazy' and it feels impossible, because as a human raised to depend upon others for that (or 'raised in captivity'), I would likely be overwhelmed and underprepared. I know that. I'm a realist. It just causes me so much grief and anxiety to know that none of this can ever happen; I need adventure.
June 7th 2019
I'm so god damn in love with you i feel like im going insane. please, universe, let me have this one. Im praying and i dont even believe in god. please. i love you so much. i love you i love you i love you i love uou i lovr you
June 5th 2019
I've started listening to Sigur Rós a lot again. It makes me want to go on an endless road trip, or sit in a tree and look at the lake for hours. I don't know... my favourite song is "Untitled #1 [Vaka]". Otherwise, life is just life right now; I like my job a lot and it makes me feel like I'm staying fit because it's physically draining, even if I'm completely exhausted at the end of the day. Nothing a beer can't fix though. I've been wanting to spend more time outside doing things but the blackflies and horseflies are just so bad, it's unbearable to go outside unless you're moving constantly, like at work. They'll die off in a couple weeks, hopefully, because I'm getting edgy from being inside so long; I think I may be an extrovert, but only with nature, not with people.
May 10th 2019
The last week I have done nothing but use the internet and play video games. I've had three fucking job interviews with no call-backs, and I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I'm a good interviewee. Whatever; I'm trying, and that's all I can do. ... Things have been sad for me lately. Just sad ... and even though I have love now, it hasn't been fading. ... I don't know how to get better. I want to be the person people love to be around, and I don't want to end up ruining or ending my life over how I feel right now. It just feels so impossible to change or improve.
I also keep wishing that I was a better musician. My voice is just fucked right now, and I can't explain, all I can do is hope that it'll improve if I keep practicing. Sometimes I feel like my love for music is the only thing I have going for me. And that scares me. I'm not good enough. Not nearly at all. ... I don't understand how people have good lives. The concept is just foreign to me. I mean, I have upper-middle class parents, and I go to a high end school, and I'm white and male and whatever. But I'm still fucking miserable. How? How do people just ... have happiness all the time? I have more than I could ever ask for, and I'm still utterly useless. It's an odd thing to think about. Sometimes I think that nobody else is even real and I'm the only living thing, and this is all a test or something. If it is, I'm sorry that I'm failing.
April 28th 2019
I went out today with my parents and their friends. I liked it, but still maintained a bad mood... I just don't feel as happy here as i thought. A good place can't fix a person I guess. I can get fleeting moments of calm, of peace, and of love. But happiness is still hard to come by.
April 23rd 2019
I'm sitting here right now feeling the warm breeze through my window. The sky is grey and I have no work to do. All I want is to be on the lake. If I close my eyes and rock back and forth it almost feels like I'm on the boat again. I would give anything to be back there ... 3 more days.
In other news: I fall so easily for people. Fuck this. It hurts so badly. I make a new playlist for every feeling you give me and I can't listen to them without getting that awful pit in my stomach. And it's worse this time because it's hopeless, I have no chance at all. I don't exist at all to you. I want you so much. You are everything. Please come be with me ... I'm so fucking in love with you. I need you to save me.
People are all starting to go on vacation now that exams are mostly finished. It isn't fair that everyone I know gets these chances to travel the world and I don't, and they don't care about it and I do. They get there and all they do is take pictures of themselves for fucking instagram. All they do is take their parents' money and get drunk and leave a mess everywhere. Fuck off! I want to go places to actually SEE things. I want to backpack everywhere and stay in a tent or people's houses. I want to swim in lakes and oceans and walk every single street in Rome. Fuck these people who travel just because they have fucking money to waste. Vacation is one thing, but actually travelling when you don't give a shit about where you are is fucked. I know that I can't leave here, either... I have to work off my school debt, but it still hurts. I just want to be fucking free.
April 21st 2019
I walked yesterday for hours and hours and wanted to kill myself again by the end of it. I don't know if it's the love, or the apathy, or the confusion that's making me feel like this. All I know is I'm tired, and my brain just keeps telling me 'hurt yourself, hurt people.' My therapist said it's just Anti playing with me. It isn't fucking fun living like this, it's tiring, and I feel insane no matter how many people tell me I'm not. Soon I'll be home for summer in a much better place, but for now things just have to keep being shit.
April 20th 2019
I don't know why I made this. It's cathartic in a way to have my own space to talk that is out there for anyone to read. I need to escape my own head, my own room, I need to get away from Anti and his insanity. I don't want to be so quiet about things anymore.//* Home Button *//